Fear of Becoming my Mother

While revisiting Mac Demarco’s song My Old Man  from his latest record, I had an epiphany. Well, not really but it did bring back the realization that although I am my own person, I see the undesirable traits of my mother within my own behavior. Turning into my mother is one of my worst fears which is why noticing these patterns is a very tough pill to swallow.

It’s not that I don’t love my mother because I do, I just don’t see her as someone I would like to model my life after. Prior to this year I never really mauled over past relationships in my life that went wrong. Once I did I began to understand what role I played in it those relationships going south and some observations came to light about myself.

Trait #1  I shut people out of my life permanently without a good reason.

Since I can remember my mom has never had a lasting friend. Her friendships always started off pretty well and ended over something usually petty. For example, my mom recently exiled someone (whom I thought was a decent person) out of her life for ignoring her texts messages? Is someone not texting  annoying ?Sure, but is it worth never speaking to that person in your life again? Probably not.

I have judged her for this for years until I thought about the amount of lasting friends I have in my life. My oldest friends is Tyreena whom I met in 5th grade and I credit the longevity of our friendship to us spending 90% of the time apart. Otherwise, I’m sure I would’ve lost her along the way over some petty annoyance she may or may not have caused me had we been more in touch. Other than Ty, my longest friendships  are with Lance and Meredith. Our friendships have been going for about four years old and those years have not always been smooth sailing.

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Tyreena and I at a silent disco-SXSW 2015

I have found and tried every stupid reason to validate trying to cut friends from my life; from cancelled ( with good reason) plans, toxic comparison, and down right paranoia that they didn’t truly like me as a friend,just like my mom.

#2 I am vindictive when I get upset

My mom was and is never one to reason with anyone when she’s upset. First will come the physical violence and destruction then the questioning. She is the jury and she is the judge and her justice is swift and unmerciful for whoever crosses her. I have seen her hide under car spying on her enemies, cause people their jobs, even threatening their lives.

When enraged I have slashed people’s tires, physically harmed them and have even threatened to kick someone’s baby out of the stroller for making me late to a Brian Wilson concert. I wouldn’t just get even, I would go for the jugular.

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Eric, a constant accidental victim of my emotional antics

#3 I ignore the people who deserve my attention

In my childhood I remember running up to my mother for a snuggle only to be turned down. Every knick knack I made in class only to be met with disinterest from my mother. Similarly, now that I have younger siblings who are seven and nine, I catch myself showing no interest in their extra curricular activities and to be honest I am disgusted with myself for that.

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Lance and Meredith on her 21st Birthday outing

Recently my attitude towards my mother is going from anger to compassion. Mom speaks very highly of her mother but also recounts times my grandmother berated her. I believe my mother was conditioned to love her abuser no matter what, just like she expects of me. Although I can’t help that I have inherited some of the worse traits of my mother, I am glad that I was self-aware to recognize the mistakes I am making. Realization is the first step towards making positive changes and improving all relationships romantic or otherwise in my life.

They will never read this but thank you to Meredith,Lance, Tyreena, Eric and Jae for being my friend even when I acted batshit crazy (which was often).

Summer 2017

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